Subway Stars
by Morganabel
Summary: Lit. Season Three is just a dream from the middle of They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They? on for Rory Gilmore. What happens when she finds herself unsatisfied with the reality that she's living?
1. Default Chapter

**Title: **Subway Stars

**Chapter: **Chapter One

**Summary: **Season Three is just a dream from the middle of _They Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?_ on for Rory Gilmore. What happens when she finds herself unsatisfied with the reality that she's living? 

**Disclaimer**: I officially announce that I have no claims whatsoever on _Gilmore Girls_, or _At The Stars_ by Better Than Ezra.__

**Dedications:** Avid, the inspirer for this fic. AngelEyez, my awesome beta who deserves an award. And Roxy, because she's so encouraging.

*

_"I think I may have loved you."_

            The words echoed through Lorelai Leigh Gilmore's brain as the images before her fogged and blurred, until she blinked and saw her mother in front of her. Or at least what her mother would have looked like if they lived in the 1940's. What the hell? The setting was familiar, but only in retrospect. 

            "Sweetie, look awake," her mother, Lorelai, was telling her. "Kirk's trying to get Taylor to disqualify you for sleep dancing."

            "I'm sorry Rory," Kirk's voice penetrated through the fog that was still going through her brain, but she didn't try to locate him. She was too tired for that. "But all is fair in war and dancing." 

            "It's okay Kirk," she managed to get out coherently. 

            "Um," Lorelai turned her daughter around so that they were on a separate part of the dance floor. "Rory? Why are you talking to empty space, instead of where Kirk is? Is there something you want to tell Mommy?"

            "I'm just tired," as if to prove it, she yawned. But she wasn't just tired- she was confused as hell. She was still at the dance marathon. So she had never loved Jess? The thought left her with an odd feeling of disappointment. 

            "Well you can sleep until the cows come home. Soon, it'll be all over," her mother assured her. "And we can curl up next to our big trophy, while falling asleep to the sound of Kirk's weeping."

            "That's mean," Rory mumbled, looking over at the bleachers. Jess had left sometime during her strange…dream. Again, there was that feeling of disappointment. 

            There would be no showdown between Dean, Rory and Jess this night…or morning, whatever time it was. There would be no break up, no awkward meeting at the bridge afterwards. The next morning, if Rory and Jess saw each other there would be no sweet awkwardness, or hesitant kisses. And she yearned for it. Maybe she was just sleep deprived. 

            She was, Rory decided, resting her head back on mother's shoulder. Her dream was certainly an indication of that. Jess's father showing back up? Like that fairy tale would ever happen. And if he did, why would he head to Stars Hollow if he had left Jess and his mom in New York? And hadn't he left a few years ago, not after Jess's birth? Her imagination was seriously being overworked, if her brain was starting to change facts like that. 

            The sound of a hard thump on the floor snapped her head up, and she looked down to see Kirk passed out on the floor. 

            Her eyes turned to her mother, "What did you do?"

            Lorelai was all innocence, "Absolutely nothing."

            "What'd you get someone else to do?" 

            "Luke may have switched Kirk's coffee to," her mother's voice lowered into Top Secret tones. "DeCaf." 

            Rory shook her head; some things would never change- whether she dreamed them up or not. "Now how would you feel if someone gave you decaffeinated coffee?"

            Lorelai gasped, offended. "I shudder to think of such horrid things." 

            "Go collect your prize, Scarlet," she said, rolling her eyes. "And let's go home."

            "To sleep!" Her mother replied, as giddy as someone could be after being awake for over twenty-four hours.

            To sleep a dreamless sleep, Rory hoped as she and her mother trudged their way towards the podium. 

*

            Mondays were great. Actually, they weren't unless it was a Monday like this where you had the day off from school, like Rory did. One of the main selling points of actually participating in the dance marathon was that there was no school waiting for her the day after it ended. So her feet held only a dull throbbing pain as she walked into Luke's Monday afternoon. So far reality was better than her dream. In her dream, she'd be returning from school, rather than the nice nap she had just had. 

            After she slid into a counter stool, she looked up to see Jess standing on the other side of the counter. "Hi." The word came out rather fast, which was pretty impressive given how short the word already was. 

            "Hey," Jess returned, drumming his fingers on the counter top. "Coffee?"

            "Yes," she looked around. "Regular, please."

            He set the coffee mug in front of her and turned around to retrieve the pot. If this were her dream, however, they'd be hightailing it up to the apartment right now. Um, reality was nicer. 

            "So, uh, where's Shane?" Rory asked as nonchalantly as she could. 

            "Like you care," Jess answered as he poured the hot liquid into her coffee cup. 

            She avoided looking at him. "I'm just trying to be friendly." 

            They'd be broken up by now, in her dream. Reality sucked. Rory was shocked by the thought. She pushed the delusional idea away, it was for the best.

            He shrugged, "We broke up." 

            "Why?" The question escaped her mouth before she could think as he returned the pot to its burner.

            Jess turned back to her. "She wanted to be Ginger Rogers, I didn't want to be Fred Astaire. What does it matter?" 

            Rory took a sip before continuing. "You could try answering seriously for once."

            "What? Not buying it?"

             "I'd buy it more if you said she was Brittany Murphy and you were Eminem," Rory returned, almost darkly. 

            Jess pretended to think about that one. "Well my mother has done more dope than I have."

            "Jess," she stretched the word out. "I thought you were going to answer seriously."

            "You want the real answer?" His jaw twitched. 

            "Yes."   
  
            "Well there's only so much sex you can get out of person before the well dries up. I'd say 'you know what I mean' but," Jess looked at her meaningfully. "You wouldn't." 

            Rory slammed her coffee cup down, sloshing some it over the sides as she jumped out of her seat. "You're disgusting."

            "You're naïve," he told her matter-of-factly. "And you wanted the truth." 

            "I wanted a serious answer," she pointed out. That was the problem with talking to Jess. Sometimes he made her feel like she was an adult. Other times- times like these- he made her feel like she was five years old, or at least had the intelligence of one. 

            "You got one," Jess shrugged as he backed away from the counter. "Not my fault you can't recognize it." 

            Rory wasn't sure but a growl might have escaped her then. But it was better not to dwell on that and she stormed out. Not realizing, until she was out of the diner and passing the school that she hadn't paid. There was no way in hell she was going back there anytime soon. She'd just have to feel really bad about that until she paid Luke later. 

            Plus, it was settled. Rory was _so_ glad that she lived in this reality. Who needed to date Jess anyway? 

            Who did, indeed? 

To Be Continued… 


	2. Chapter Twoness

**Title**: Subway Stars

**Chapter:** Two****

**Disclaimer:** Hey, after almost four years, still not owning Gilmore Girls. I own my self though. It's official- I'm over 18, after all.

**Dedication**: To my BetaAngel. And to Becka, since Defending Bjork and her review a year ago totally got me off my ass (or actually on my ass, since I sat as I wrote this) to finish this chapter. But, mainly, I dedicate it to me. Because I rock.

          Rory hadn't planned on telling anyone about her dream. In fact she had planned on pushing it so far back into her mind that she wouldn't even remember that she had participated in the dance contest. But as soon as she entered her best friend's room, the whole story came pouring out to Lane. Every detail from the moment Dean had broken up with her to the phone call with Jess.

          After laughing over the fact that Jess was skipping school to go to WalMart of all places, and expressing complete bafflement that Dean would get engaged to Lindsay, Lane found something to focus on.

          "So my mother- Mrs. Kim- actually," Lane stood up and gesticulated wildly as she asked this question. "Let me date Dave?"

          "Well, she let you go to the prom with him," Rory shrugged one shoulder. "And call you."

          "Wow," she sat back down on the floor. "That's, like, major. How did this happen? And can it be applied to real life?"

          "Um," Rory thought back to the parts of her dream that could remember about Lane and Dave. "Does your mother read Shakespeare?"

          Lane snorted. "No. After I went to your play, Mama did some research on him, and concluded that he wasn't a good Christian."

          "Then no," she shook her head. "It couldn't. Unless she happened to actually quote the Bible to Dave."

          Her friend seemed to consider this, "Or unless Dave happens to out-Bible Mrs. Kim."

          Even Rory had to blink at that one, "What do you mean?"

          "He quotes a quote so obscure from the Bible even Mrs. Kim isn't sure what it's from. So she _thinks_ it's this evil thing and she learns it's actually from the Bible," Lane tilted her head to the side. "And suddenly Dave is the most perfect guy _ever_."

          Rory pursed her lips together as she thought through Lane's plan. It felt good to get her mind off her dream. Off of Jess. Off her and Jess _the couple_. "Maybe you should just ask your mother something little. Like, permission to talk to Dave on the phone and ease her into it."

          "That can be Plan A," Lane agreed. "Now lets get back to the most improbable thing of this dream of yours. You and Jess?"

          She frowned. "Is it really so hard to think of? I mean, he's nice to me. Or, at least, he use to be."

          Lane was silent for a long moment, and when she spoke, it seemed as if she chose her words carefully. "Rory, he's dating…or at least dated, Shane. You know what dating is for them, right?"

          Rory folded her arms under her chest. "I've heard."

          Her friend reached out and touched her arm, "You and Dean have been dating forever, right?"

          "More or less."

          "Has that ever been dating for the two of you?"

          Not even close. Rory shook her head. "I just can't help but think. I had this whole, vivid dream about dating _Jess_. Does that mean something?"

          "Maybe it doesn't mean that you want to date Jess," Lane offered, with an apologetic shrug. "Maybe it just means that you don't want to date Dean anymore."

          "Oh," Rory said softly. And something inside of her just…clicked. She didn't want to be a part of RoryAndDean anymore. And it wasn't through anybody's fault. Not Jess's. Not Dean's. And not even her own.

          Lane correctly interpreted Rory's look, and she sat back against her bed. "Wow. End of an era."   
  
          End of something, all right.

          Rory already had plans to meet with Dean later that day at Doose's, when he got off of his shift. But she wasn't sure how she felt about just going up, meeting him, and totally blind-siding him with a break up. Wasn't there some sort of way to do this? Wasn't it supposed to be preluded by some huge fight? Or at least, she calling him up first and telling him that they needed to talk. That way he could have an inkling of what was coming. Rory had never broken up with someone before. She didn't like the whole idea. But she just wasn't in the relationship anymore. She wasn't even sure if Dean was either. If he was just clinging onto what they had been as an attempt to deny that anything was changing. Dean didn't really like change. Neither did she, really. But here it was. And if her dream had taught her anything, it was that she couldn't lead him on like this.

          But what did she say?

          "I think we should break up." The words had slipped out of her mouth the second she saw Dean standing in front of her at Doose's. Well. She didn't think _that_ was the right thing to say.

          "What?" Yup, the poor guy looked blindsided. "Did something happen?"

          What was she thinking? She hadn't even talked to her mother about this. It was just that she had made the decision at Lane's, and now she was here. Breaking up with Dean. "Nothing happened. Everything happened…" Man, for a writer, she sucked at finding the right words.

          "Is this because of Jess?" Naturally, he would go for that. Just because a guy liked her, and she kind of doubted that Jess did, or at least not anymore, he would 'steal' her away.

          "It's because of us," she continued, struggling with words. "I feel like we're just going through the motions because it's expected of us." The rate that words were coming out of her mouth sped up. "Don't you feel it?"

          Dean looked down. Poor, sad boy. "I just feel what I've always felt for you, Rory."

          "Oh." Rory was afraid of what to say next. She was so bad at this. "I'm sorry."

          He shook his head. "Don't be." Then he started to walk away.

          She wanted to stop him. And tell him that she had planned on being with him forever, no matter how foolish it would sound coming from a teenager's mouth. And that she hadn't meant to drift away from him. And that she hoped that they still could be friends, because she did like him. And he was a great guy. The greatest guy, even. But he just wasn't for her. Not any more.

          But, instead, Rory just watched him walk away. It was for the best. She was pretty sure any of what had just rushed through her head weren't the right words. In fact, she was pretty sure that the whole friends idea were exactly the wrong ones.

          Since Rory hadn't prepared her mother for this, she decided to ease her mother into the news of her and Dean's break up. It was weird, though she hadn't ever really thought that they would break up, but if she was going to be the one to do it, she would have talked it over with her mother before. But there wasn't much time, and now there was the whole possibility of Lorelai finding out from any number of people that were by Doose's.

          So she had bought a box. The new Dean box. Naturally, her mother would see it out, with the Dean stuff off to the side, give her an 'oh, honey' and they'd go on to have a night of wallowing. Ice cream, pizza and movies. Then she'd just have to live with the town's discussion of it later. But for now, she just wanted to go home, with her box, and hide out until it seemed less surreal to her.

          Naturally, this is not the way it's going to be. The town people didn't bother her. They respected her time of mourning. They loved her too much to get on her case about it. At least, get on her case about it _right now_. In a day or two, they'd be okay with it.

          No, en route to her house she had to run into Jess. Now, she could have passed him without ever acknowledging him. After all, he was lying on a park bench, with a book held up above his face. She thought she was going to get a clean break, after all how in the world would he even notice _her_.

          But she had just passed the tree beside the bench when she heard, "What's the box for?"

          Rory stopped, turned, and clutched the box to her chest as best as possible. "To put stuff in. What do you use your boxes for?" Then she thought better of it, "Never mind. I don't want to know."

          He shrugged as he sat up, placing the book on his lap. "What are you packing?" When she didn't answer, "Books? Movies? Severed heads?"

          "Why are you talking to me?"

          "What do you mean?"

          "Well, last time we talked, you were rather rude."

          "I'm from New York. Trust me, that wasn't rude," he stood up, slipping the book into his back pocket.

          "Well I'm from Stars Hollow, and it was. You…you just don't go around shoving your sex life into people's faces," she continued. Oh, man, she was turning into her mother. She wasn't even mad at Jess. At least she didn't think so, she was just frustrated, sad and confused.

          He looked rather apathetic as he said, "I wasn't aware that having a sex life constituted as shoving it into people's face."

          "Well, you did," Rory was working herself into a fit and she wasn't even sure why. "Do you really want to go around advertising to people the way you treat women is abysmal? Using them without any thought or concern to them?"

          "I don't think that matters unless she likes me, and it usually starts out on mutual understanding," his forehead creased. "Why am I even explaining this to you?"

          "Because you're trying to rationalize your behavior!" She exhaled loudly. "Why can't you just be…"

          "A nice boy?" he finished for her. "Dean. Is that really who you want me to be, Rory?" Jess didn't wait for her to answer; he just walked around her and continued down the street.

          Rory sat down on the bench as her knees threatened to buckle. No, she didn't want him to be Dean. She wanted him to be…_dateable_.

          What was wrong with her?

**To Be Continued…**


	3. The Girl Who Blocked Her Own Shot

**Disclaimer:** I don't own Gilmore Girls, or any of the song's off of Brand New's _Deja Entendu_. You, however, should totally own that cd.

**Dedication:** For Becka. Cause yeah. She said she'd make me queen for a year. And I hope I don't disappoint because this chapter is different that what I usually do.

* * *

When Rory had gotten home, things had gone exactly right. Her mother had sighed, and said "oh honey" and had helped her packed up anything and everything that had reminded her of Dean. It didn't matter. She just felt empty. Void. Like Dean didn't matter to her. That's the only thought that had made her sad. She felt like she should feel more.

She felt like she should cry, and wallow and refuse to come out of her room for days. She felt like she should be proclaiming to never love another boy as long as she ever lived. She felt like she should be reliving every memory she ever had of Dean in her mind. She felt like…

She felt like she shouldn't be thinking about Jess.

Thinking about Jess was just plain stupid. Because she wasn't think about the real Jess. She was thinking about DreamJess. And it was ridiculous because DreamJess wasn't even real. (Did she want him to be real?) No, of course she didn't want him to be real.

DreamJess had been an asshole. He hadn't called her when he said he would, he had stood her up and expected her to be waiting for him whenever he did bother to show up, he had lied to her (repeatedly) and he had abandoned her in the end.

Why was she bothering to still think about him?

Rory shouldn't be sitting on her bed, pillow clutched to her chest, thinking about a boy who never existed. She should be thinking about the one that did exist, the one she had, at one point in time, loved.

Sometimes (all the time?), she really just sucked at life.

Her cd stopped, reaching the end. Two seconds later, it changed cds. The new one began.

_I'm sinking like a stone in the sea._

Rory sighed, and lay back against the bed. Letting the music of the intro track to _Deja Entendu_ pull her under it's spell. She just needed to stop thinking. The band could do the thinking for her. Or, at least distract her. Or depress her enough so she could feel like she was wallowing.

So far, it was starting to do its job. It was only the intro track, not even two minutes long. The same two lines repeated over. The real songs would only help her more.

_I'm burning like a bridge for your body_.

It's not like she _liked_ Jess. He wasn't her type. Despite the fact that he read the same books she did, and listened to the same music she did. But that's all. They could have a friendship with that. Anything more would be insane. In fact, friendship might be asking too much as it was.

Jess wasn't nice. He could have his moments, if he wanted. If he tried. But he didn't want to try. He didn't seem to care about anyone but himself. Any one else's needs but his. Jess was so not boyfriend material.

The cd switched over to the next track.

He wouldn't call, unless it suited him. He wouldn't show up, unless it suited him. And if he were her boyfriend he'd only be half involved. He'd want to be with her. He wouldn't want to hang out with her mom for a movie night (that would be so disastrous, considering Lorelai wouldn't want to hang out with Jess either), or meet her grandparents (not that they would approve), or hang out with any of her friends.

Rory could never date a boy who didn't get along with her mother. Lorelai was her best friend. Her mother. Her confidante. How many conflicts would that create if she didn't feel like she could talk to her mother about her boyfriend (not that any of them liked Jess, either)?

"_This is so messed up."_

She turned onto her side, hugging the pillow tightly to her. She shouldn't even be thinking of her next relationship. Let alone, one with Jess Mariano. She sighed. She should be single. She should focus on her schoolwork, and college, and applications. And spending time with her friends (mainly Lane) before she left for school. Helping Lane with the Dave and Mrs. Kim situation. Focus on someone else's boy problems for a change.

And attending town functions, since she would have to attend less next year. And spending more time with her mother (to make up for time loss next year). And planning out Europe. And trying out things she hadn't tried out before.

Things that didn't include boys. (Boys named Jess)

_No longer cool, but a boy in a stitch. Unprepared for a life full of lies and failing relationships._

There was another side of Jess though. She had seen it last year. There was one particular moment that stuck in her head. It'd pop up randomly. It'd pop up at the most inappropriate times. Rory didn't even remember how exactly the conversation had went. What the words said were, or what had brought the topic up.

She remembered him saying something about his mother. And how she didn't care. Something to that effect. She didn't expect anything good from him. No one expected good from Jess.

But there was some in there. There had to be.

Sometimes, he made her laugh. Or smile. He made her smile a lot when she read his notes in the margins of the books she had lent him, or books he had borrowed on his own (without permission, naturally).

Jess was really intelligent.

People should expect so much more from him.

He could give so much more.

The next track began. Where was all this time going?

Maybe this was something she had needed to do a long time ago. And it was catching up to her. She needed to sort out all these feelings she had for the people in her life. The good, and the bad.

_If looks could really kill, then my profession would be staring._

Everyone seemed to like her. Well, at least, everyone in Stars Hollow. The adults liked her because she was quiet, reserved, happy, and intelligent. The kids her age either liked her, or didn't bother her. When she attended Stars Hollow High, she had been helpful to be around. She was smart, and nice. She was willing to help out anyone so that they could get a better grade. Rory wasn't a good teacher, and she ended up doing most of the work herself. That's what the kids liked about her.

Attending Chilton had been a cold reality slap. Not everyone would like her. It had been a hard lesson to learn. That people, without even knowing her, would choose not to like her. People were competitive. She was a threat.

It was funny; she didn't feel like a threat. But in the end, it came down to who mattered.

Her mother mattered. It had always been her and Lorelai against the world. She felt like a stronger person when her mother was on her side. Almost a hundred percent of the time, her mother was on her side. It gave her something to look up to. Rory could only hope that one day she'd have half as good of a relationship with her daughter as she did with her mother.

Her father mattered. Christopher hadn't been around for most of her life. Maybe, if her mother had been a little less independent and headstrong, and maybe if her father were less nomadic, things would be different. He messed up a lot, and so did Lorelai. She was coming to find out that she, herself, messed up a lot too. She loved her father, even though at times, he made it hard for her to. They just had to try a little harder.

Lane mattered. Lane had been her best friend for so many years. Lane was always there, listening and offering her advice. Even though she had her mother, she needed Lane too. She had a different perspective on things. If Rory couldn't talk to Lorelai about something, she could definitely talk to Lane about it. Wasn't the dream just one example of that?

Dean mattered. Maybe less now that he wasn't her boyfriend. But she had, at one point in time, loved him. He had been a big part of her life. He was her first love. He shouldn't (and wouldn't) be so easily forgotten. Rory wouldn't let herself do that, he deserved more. He had treated her good, so good during their time together. She probably hadn't deserved it. She hoped that one day, they could be friends again.

Luke mattered. He seemed tough, but if she were ever in a bad spot, he'd pull through for her. He was dependable. Almost like a close uncle. He treated her and her mother really well, and probably did more for them than he should. It was good having Luke in their lives.

The town mattered. For all of her dreams of journalism, and traveling the world, Rory hoped that when it came time to settle down. Maybe start a family, that she would do it in Stars Hollow. The town had been really good to her, and she had enjoyed growing up there. She wasn't cynical, and she had Stars Hollow to thank for that.

The kids at Chilton didn't matter (with the possible exception of Paris, who was growing on her). They would soon be a long lost memory of high school. In five, ten years, she wouldn't recognize them as she passed them on the street. She was okay with that.

The next song started, time was going by fast. Too fast.

_I am all you ever wanted. What all the other boys all promised._

Did Jess matter? Did she want him to matter? Did it matter when she was leaving in less than a year, anyway?

She'd like to be Jess' friend. She could lie on her bed and lie to herself that she didn't want anything to do with him. But if she really opened her mind, and thought about the entire Jess, not just what people said about him…she'd like to be his friend.

Jess was cynical. This alone made his view on things different than anyone else's that she had listened to outside of books (or tv, or movies). It was interesting to listen to. It could be interesting to listen to.

_I am the cause to all your problems_.

Plus, friendship never hurt anyone. Right? It's not like she had a boyfriend any longer to get jealous. What was there to be jealous of, anyway?

Okay, so there had been that kiss before summer.

What had happened with that? _How_ had that happened?

She had been delusional. So many things going on at once. Washington. Her parents back together (for about five seconds). And then he had been standing there, and saying he was back. And for a second she had been stupid enough to think it had been about her. And she was overwhelmed. She hadn't known what else to do, so Rory had kissed him.

She had kissed Jess.

It was insanity.

They would make good friends.

That's it.

Anything else didn't make sense, and would cause too many problems. Conflicts. Raise too many questions.

_Coordinate brain and mouth, then ask me what it's like to have myself so figured out. Wish I knew…_

Did Rory even believe anything she thought any more? It all seemed so calculated. So thought out. Did she have any ability to be spontaneous in her?

Go to Harvard. It had been planned since she was, like, three. No doubts, no questions. Go to Harvard.

Date nice boys. Any other type of boy would make her end up like her mother (and as much as she loved her mother, she didn't want to end up a pregnant teenager).

There was no grey in her world. Only black and white.

All her thoughts seemed so fed to her. Programmed.

Was it even who she was anymore?

Had it ever been her?

New song.

_We kept it safe and slow, the quiet things that no one ever knows_…

There seemed to be a subtle shift in her at that moment. She didn't have to go to Harvard. She wanted to, but there were so many options in the world. Why tie herself down to one place? It's not like she had looked anywhere else for a better fit for her.

She didn't have to ignore everyone at school. There could be a few, genuinely nice people at Chilton, that could make nice friends. Introduce her to new experiences. New experiences didn't mean they would be bad. Just different. So much of her life had been all of the same.

This could be good for her.

_So keep the blood in your head, and your feet on the ground._

Why wait until college to find yourself? It didn't mean she'd be a different person. She'd be herself. But better.

Rory sighed, she was thinking too much. Maybe listening to Brand New hadn't been the best idea. But maybe it had. She had sorted out a lot of things. Things she hadn't even really thought about before.

It had opened her up to new ideas. New possibilities.

Track six. It was one of her favorites off the disc.

Unfortunately, it wouldn't make her think any less.

_Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not_.

Rory's thoughts came back to Jess. Why was she so stuck on this? On this thought of him? To the point where she couldn't remember what was dream and what was reality. It was so confusing.

She was so confused.

It had been difficult to be Jess's friend before. But wasn't that because of her relationship with Dean?

Or had it been something else?

And had that something else been the reason she kissed him at Sookie's wedding?

_You can keep to yourself. I'll keep out of your way._

If they had really been just friends, then why would everything be so hard when she came back from Washington? How could they have gone from friends to not being able to stand the sight of each other when they crossed paths?

A kiss couldn't have that much power? (Oh, but it could.)

Jess didn't have any reason to dislike Dean. She had no reason to not like Shane.

_You are calm and reposed_.

Whenever Rory had seen Shane, she had felt ugly. Not so much on the outside, as in the inside. Ugly, ugly feelings brewed within her.

It made her miss her old self. The one that had been oblivious to boys outside of the world of fiction.

_Let your beauty unfold_.

It didn't have to be this way. It was irrational. She had Dean. Or use to, at least. She didn't need or want Jess.

But there was another thought. The one about how she smiled whenever she read a note in the margin of a book. He had a good sense of humor.

She enjoyed it. Too much.

_Pale white, like the skin stretched over your bones._

Rory needed to stop thinking. She was reaching something. A conclusion. A revelation. She wasn't sure what it was.

It was scaring her.

_Spring keeps you ever close_.

She felt like a new person. But who could change over the course of half a cd? She believed in the power of music, but no one was _that_ good.

She was coming to terms with something.

So close to it.

_You are second hand smoke_.

Rory would be lying if she said she had no clue what she was just now realizing. She'd be stupid if she said that she didn't know.

But admitting it would be something else. It'd change everything she had told herself since last year. At least.

Jess was bad for her. That's what everyone said, right?

Everyone couldn't be wrong.

_You are so fragile and thing, standing trial for your sins_.

A large percentage of people had been wrong before. It was there, written in history textbooks. Multiple times, even.

It was just, Rory was liked. By everyone. Having the lesson that not everyone would like her had been hard to learn at Chilton.

Wouldn't it be devastating to learn in Stars Hollow?

_Holding onto yourself the best that you can._

As much as she loved the town, Rory could admit it had its faults. It could be narrow-minded.

The town could group people into categories. Right now, Rory was good. Maybe even one of the best.

Jess was bad. One of the worst.

Making people guilty by association was one of the town's worst faults.

Could she live with that?

_You are the smell before rain._

Was it living if she didn't even try?

Some things became so important, in ways that snuck up on you, that you couldn't avoid it.

Rory was quickly coming to realize this was something she couldn't avoid.

_You are the blood in my veins_.

She liked Jess.

Not as a friend. As something more.

Nothing more in the world scared her more than that at the moment.

_Call me a safe bet, I'm betting I'm not._

**To Be Continued…**


	4. Chapter Fourty

**Disclaimer: **I do not claim to own Gilmore Girls or the _Good To Know If I Ever Need Attention All I Have To Do Is Die _by Brand New.

* * *

Rory Gilmore descended from a long line of strong woman. Her mother. Her grandmother. Even, her great-grandmother. She could do this. They had done incredible things in their lives that had to have been difficult. Just look at her mother- Lorelai had gave birth at sixteen, and raised a daughter- who didn't really do anything bad or wrong. That's right.

Rory was smart. Intelligent. Strong. She could be.

Compared to what those three women had gone through in their lives, telling a boy that you liked them should be no big deal.

Especially when said boy had practically moved back to a town he didn't like (presumably) because of her. Especially when she had already kissed the boy.

Jess _did_ like her. Right?

_Right_?

She needed to stop thinking.

And step up to the counter (thank God Luke wasn't around).

Jess only gave her a passing glance before his gaze went back to the counter. "And what can I get you?"

She took a deep breath (what the hell should she say?).

"I think we should date."

Okay, maybe she shouldn't ever _not_ think again.

Jess looked too stunned to talk.

Um, okay.

"I mean, I think we should start dating." Rory frowned. None of this was coming out right. She didn't even make sense to _herself_. "Maybe. I don't know."

Jess leaned in, his eyes looking to either side of him. Wait, what was he doing? "I think…" his voice got even lower than it was to begin with. "You've upgraded from coffee to crack."

And then he walked away.

Yeah, that totally didn't go the way she had thought it would in her head.

Except, what did she exactly think would happen?

Maybe Rory should have paid more attention (heed) to Jesse Lacey.

_Take heart, sweetheart, or I will take it from you_.

* * *

She had never been so embarrassed in her life. Maybe she had been, but at the moment Rory couldn't ever remember being so embarrassed in her life. There was no one to blame but herself. Since yelling at a compact disc went beyond the limits of acceptable eccentricities. Even for her.

Right?

There was only one thing to do now that she had messed (everything) up by herself.

Her mother might be biased against Jess, but she never given her bad advice before.

Again, Rory's memory might be a bit faulty there.

Her mother was on the couch, with the remote control and the television on, when she entered the house.

Lorelai shut off the television when Rory sat down.

Good. It would be easier to talk when not competing with a tv show.

"I told Jess that we should date."

That had come out as randomly and abruptly as it had when she first said it.

Maybe there was just no building up to it.

Lorelai was quicker with a reply than Jess had been. "Why?"

There was a question. "I don't know. I thought we should." Her mother reached over, and pressed the back of her hand again her forehead. Rory slapped it away. "What are you doing?"

"Seeing if you have a fever." Was that a joke? Because her mother looked kind of serious.

Rory sighed, her mother wanted a full explanation. It was just…the story was so long. So the words sort of tumbled out of her mouth. She wasn't even sure if the words would come out in the right order.

"I don't know. I just had this dream, and Jess and I dated. And it was good. Then it went bad. But when it went bad, it was because all these stupid, inconceivable things started happening. Like his dad coming back. And him skipping school to work at WalMart. Jess _hates_ WalMart- why would he work there, anyway? And then we went to this concert, and it got out really early. And I got home at, like, eleven. And you couldn't even tell I hadn't been anywhere but to a hockey game. What kind of concert is that? And then I woke up. And then I realized I couldn't date Dean anymore." She paused to take a breath. "Because I didn't like him like that, and it wasn't fair to keep dating him. Right? I thought I didn't like Jess that way but…" She sighed.

"You found out that you did?" Lorelai put a hand on her shoulder.

Her mother may not really be for it. But she'd be supportive. And give her advice. And that's why Rory loved her mother.

One of the reasons, anyway.

"Yes." Rory frowned. "I was trying to wallow. And I thought _Deja Entendu_ would make a good wallowing music…"

Lorelai nodded, "Well they do know how to make pain funny."

"And I was listening to _The Boy Who Blocked His Own Shot_, and it just hit me. I like Jess."

"Okay," Lorelai sighed. She wasn't too happy. But she was hiding it. Sort of. "Next time, go with the original. Listen to Morrissey."

"_Mom_."

"Sorry," she shook her head. "See- all the bad thoughts? Gone. Continue on. So you found out that you like Jess…"

"So I told him that we should date." Just like that.

"Oh Rory," her mother winced. "Just like that?"

She nodded, "Just like that."

"You never tell a boy just like that." Yeah, she knew that _now_. "There needs to be games and hints and flirting and…charades."

"Why?"

Straight forward _should_ be the best way to go.

"Because if you tell a boy that you want to date him…after months of stressing the fact that you _didn't_," Lorelai pointed out. "Well, to the boy it might seem like you weren't being serious."

That was messed up logic. "What kind of joke is that?"

"Well, some girls…less honest, and innocent than you…" She reached over, resting her hand on Rory's hair. "Play mean games with boys. Like that."

"So what should I do?"

"Nothing."

Rory wasn't amused.

So Lorelai sighed, "Well you can't play games _now_. So be straightforward again. Just, try to explain yourself better this time."

This sounded like something she should ask Paris to help with. Maybe pie charts and statistics and facts would convince Jess that she was serious. Or that she was insane.

Either outcome was possible.

But she needed a plan.

Not Paris, because that was far too drastic.

But Lane.

Lane was good at coming up with plans that actually worked.

**To Be Continued…**


	5. Chapter W T Five

"You don't think," Lane was saying. Rory had laid out her intentions towards Jess, the obstacles she believed she faced and the need to plan out her next move. She had never felt more like Paris Gellar in her whole life. "That your dream was prophetic, do you?"

This was the issue that Rory had been having. She was in constant struggle over what she should do. Everything had seemed so simple at first. She didn't like Dean, so they broke up. A weight had been lifted from her and clarity had struck. _She liked Jess_. Now the question was, did she like him or did she like the dream version of him? Would her dream get in the way of reality should things not progress as expected?

Rory Gilmore was an over thinker, an over talker, an over worrier, an over…well, everything. At one time Luke had hypothesized that Lorelai must not have drank anything but coffee while pregnant, and that's why Rory tended to go haywire so frequently. It was as plausible as any reasoning she could come up with.

"I don't know," she responded slowly.

Lane frowned, thinking over that. "I kind of hope it is. It's selfish, but I want things to work out with Dave."

Rory nodded, and impulsively gave her friend a hug. "I want things to work out with Dave, too."

"I told him my plan," Lane confessed. She was pulling at her fingers. She used to tear at her fingernails but would constantly be lectured by Mrs. Kim about taking care of her body. So now she just tugged on the tips of her fingers. "About out-bibling my mother."

"What'd he say?" Rory was grateful for the distractions from her own issues at the moment. Lane had just as many boy problems as Rory, if not more, and attention should be paid to them too.

"I don't think he knows what a Bible is," Lane answered, before laughing. "I'm only partially kidding. He said he'd visit some ministers in his town and see if they had any tips on obscure references."

That made Rory smile, and then sigh. "Dave is perfect. I don't like using that word, but he makes the effort."

"I know!" Lane bounced slightly in her seat. "I've always been worried that dating me was too much work for a teenage boy and thought I'd be alone until I was able to move out of this house."

"But then enter Dave."

Lane sighed with a smile. "Enter Dave." There was a quiet moment, so unusual for the two girls. "So, Jess."

"Yes Jess."

"Yes Jess less…" Lane shook her head. "I'm sorry, the rhyming took over me." She cleared her throat and put on her most serious face. "We need a plan."

"He thinks I'm on drugs."

Her best friend giggled, the situation called for it. "You did lack subtlety."

"That's what my mother said," Rory twisted her lips into a pout. "I hate when she's right. She likes to hold it over me in mocking."

She did it so lovingly that Rory couldn't take offense, and also because Rory did the same exact thing whenever she was right and her mother was wrong.

"Maybe you should wait until he approaches you," Lane finally decided with a decisive nod.

But what if he didn't. Or worse, "What if he's mean because he thought I was being mean?"

"No one could ever think you're being purposefully mean," her best friend countered. Rory wasn't sure about that. Maybe no one in Stars Hollow, but Jess wasn't from Stars Hollow. He was from a darker place where not everyone had the best intentions. "I think he was just caught off guard."

"Maybe." Rory looked down at her hands.

"At the very least," Lane continued on, she was gaining momentum so Rory was pretty sure she was having some sort of epiphany. "If you don't approach him again, then he's going to get really curious. I mean, I'm sure he's already curious about the abrupt declaration of dating, but if you don't seek him out then his curiosity is going to force him to see you out."

"I don't know…" Rory's voice trailed off. Everything with Dean seemed so much easier. The only other romantic experience she had was when Tristan had pursued her. And that was exactly what it had been: Tristan pursuing her. She wasn't interested so no effort had to be made on her part to secure that attention.

"Okay," Lane said, taking a breath. "Just let it rest for a few days. Regroup yourself, get over your embarrassment."

"That sounds like a good plan," she conceded. It was just…well, Rory Gilmore wasn't exactly the most patient person in the world. She wasn't even the most patient person in Stars Hollow.

Lane grinned at her. "That's because you have the smartest best friend ever." She gasped. "Hey, if this all works out we have our careers made for us. Me, as a person who gives relationship advice. You, as a person who has prophetic dreams. We'll be famous!"

Rory laughed, and lay back against her bed. She forgot her angst while her and Lane detailed their future business and plotted what their commercials would be like. And whether or not they'd have an accent or dress like Miss Cleo.

Lane really was the best friend ever, and things with Jess? They could be worked out later.


End file.
